Confidently Single

Temptation lurks everywhere, even where you least expect it. Infidelity happens every day. Keeping these seemingly “harmless friendships” at bay, is crucial to the success of a relationship. Consider the following points to avoid potentially damaging your relationship…

Tip# 1: Keep It All Business at the Office

What’s integral to your job and what’s not? You certainly want cordial relationships with all your colleagues. However, being cordial means inquiring of a colleague how their sick mom is doing, for example.  Keep conversations that aren’t strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.

Tip# 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Sex Outside of the Workplace

If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out. Restaurants are far more intimate than your office, and you are much more likely to discuss issues outside of business when you’re on the outside. When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. If you do have to meet outside the office, make the meeting in a public place that isn’t conducive to intimacy. Avoid long car rides, as the close physical proximity and inability to leave one another begs for idle chatter and potential intimacy.
Tip #3: Meet in Groups

When meeting with members of the opposite sex, try to avoid meeting alone. The addition of even one extra person greatly minimizes any potential for intimacy. Even if it means asking a co-worker to tag along for no other reason but to make sure the meeting stays focused on business, it’s worthwhile. Group meetings also send the message to others that we’re here for a particular goal and then we’re through.

Tip # 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations

Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely. Refer the person to others who could be more of help and made sure you won’t become the shoulder to lean on.

Tip #5: Avoid Consistency in the Relationship

To tell a colleague about the great time you had on your vacation or to listen to them go on about theirs for a while is fine, as long as it ends there and as long as such conversations unrelated to business are inconsistent. What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you’re developing themes, favourite topics, or a continuing dialogue. Relationships need time and consistency to build.

Tip #6: Don’t Share Your Personal Feelings

When you do find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, share little of your personal experience or feelings. This curtails the other person’s ability to relate to you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be polite or helpful just keep the details to a minimum.
Tip #7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself

Sometimes people convince themselves that it can even help their marriage to express some sexual energy through “innocent” flirtatious conversations: “Hey, I’m not going to do anything, so where’s the harm?” However, ask yourself how uncomfortable you’d be if your partner found a similar method of “improving” your marriage. Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction, whether sexually or emotionally. Consider honestly why you’re looking forward to the next time you meet up again with that person. Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away from a conversation with him or her, or you suddenly have a little more energy after it. Think your flirtation is so innocent? Test yourself: Would you tell your partner

Tip #8: Avoid Touching Members of the Opposite Sex

This may sound extreme, but with even one kiss comes a certain intimacy. Most often, a simple handshake will do. In the psychoanalytic community, there are clear guidelines that prohibit physical contact. This is not only because of the fear that a sympathetic hug might lead somewhere sexually but because a simple hug immediately changes the relationship and can confuse the perception of both parties.

Tip # 9: Don’t Drink Around the Opposite Sex

When we drink alcohol, we lose our inhibitions and clarity. I’m not talking just about the kind of dead drunk that’ll get you into bed when you don’t want to, or aren’t thinking. Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your relationship at a later time.

Tip # 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily

Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day. This could be a lovely note, a phone call, or a more elaborate effort to plan a getaway. Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you. Focus on the kind things your spouse has done for you, and remember that relationships take effort and time to grow.

What is happiness? We will ask ourselves this question at least once during our lives. Unfortunately, there is no clear cut answer since happiness really is a state of mind and not at all a tangible thing. We may surround ourselves with tangible things to attain it but usually find ourselves disappointed when these “things” really do not contribute much at all. What makes one person happy can be the polar opposite of what makes another happy. Even for ourselves, what made us happy a few years back may not suffice anymore either. Our standard of happiness evolves, as much as we do.

If happiness is a state of mind, do we trick ourselves to feel it? Do we really even know what IT is? We have all had moments where we were completely enraptured by the experience we were having. This state of elation assured us that all was well with the world. We felt more connected to the people around us. We felt “alive”. These pure fragments of time disperse as quickly as they come and before we know it, we are back among the walking dead, going about our day and doing what makes others happy instead of ourselves.

This is where two worlds collide. On one hand, you have the world you wish to create for yourself. You have dreams, ambitions, no insecurities, and no restrictions. You have freedom to be yourself. On the other hand, you have “reality”. This is the world you spend most of your waking life in. Here, you please others before yourself, you lie, you follow rules, you put aside your dreams, and you even sabotage your full potential.

Over time, many of us just let go of our ideal, little world, abandoning it to survive in the real world. Some of us chose not to but we keep it to ourselves. We cannot bear to part with the essence of who we really are. We feel lonely, we feel isolated and we cannot understand why we have to separate the two. Over time we accept the fact, that this simply must be so. We even get used to the idea. We play our part and do what we must to at least appear to be like everyone else. We know what truly matters to us but we keep it a secret. And so our minds run parallel in our separate worlds and we lose touch with one another, we hide. We do this for so long but what if our world crosses into someone else’s?

In our contact with others we are always observing, we are always searching but we never really let our fortress down and we are never quite prepared for guests. When they do show up, we stand guard to protect this precious little world. Once in awhile you will have a visitor, who isn’t quite welcome at first but  they spark something in us with each day, that they manage to break down a wall and before you know it, you have actually put out a “welcome” mat for them. They understand your world, they appreciate it, and they revel at it. Soon they don’t feel much like a guest anymore, rather a neighbour. They feel like “home”.

We wish we could stay in this world forever. We never want to leave. But we always hear the others calling out our names in the distance and we know we must go back. We put on our armour and go to face that other world. We wish we would return “home” when the day is gone but the other home is where we must go.

Existing on two different planes of thought, we find great internal conflict. When we share our innermost thoughts with others, we feel vulnerable and exposed. But when we find someone who understands us for who we really are, we feel safe and at peace. This where happiness lies. Can we ever combine one world with another? Some people can while others can spend a lifetime trying to. One world guarantees survival and security. The other, adventure and possibility. Which one do you choose?

Welcome to an era of rapid information exchange, an endless game of “show and tell”.  A product of self- validation and swank. Through simple means of monitoring, one can find out just about anything about a colleague, friend, relative, past lover and so forth. Interestingly enough, people offer an abundance of information about their most private lives. Welcome, Big Brother.

What one owns, does, where one travels, who one dates, loves and hates, are just a few points of interest that are commonly shared. These thoughts, opinions and expressions coat a computer screen like graffiti, an endless abyss of virtual bliss, or so it would appear. Based on a system of competition, the subconscious driving force behind these websites is the entitlement of bragging rights. One’s existence is fuelled by all that they do and acquire. In a dangerous spell of curiosity, the pull to monitor thy neighbour is irresistible. No longer does one even have to be labelled as a “brown nose” since anything and everything can be watched from the privacy of the home. Privacy? Hardly.

Humans have become their own greatest threat, a virus invading personal freedom and security to feel greater or at par with the rest of the world. Depicting their innocent children, flaunting their assets, and maintaining their status, all for what and for whom, is this elaborate, egotistical façade really for?

Modesty has vanished. Everyone wants to be some one but the result of this is losing some one, and that some “one”, is you.  A person, who is truly happy, knows it from the inside, out and does not need to parade their accomplishments in search of praise and admiration. Happiness is the modesty of the mind; that is why it cannot be either imitated or acquired.

Why Privacy Matters – Further Reading:

http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2010/07/21/bc-facebook-twitter-online-thieves.html

Your are madly in love with them, they’re perfect. You think you finally found “The One”. Once reality sets in and some of the passion dies down (this is inevitable), you begin to wonder if you truly found your “soul mate” after all. For some of us, this feeling does not subside and we find ourselves saying goodbye to someone we once pictured spending the rest of our lives with. When we meet someone new; we convince ourselves again, that surely, this must be our soul mate- until we feel disillusioned once more.

In contrast, there are people out there that feel they are with someone who “completes” them in every possible way. I would beg to differ because I do not believe in the concept of a “soul mate”. Out of all of the billion people on this planet, it is difficult to believe that there is just one person that could make you happy out there. Sure, there will be significant others that truly fulfill a vast array of needs in the spectrum but no ONE person can meet your every need. In the early stages of a relationship, the process of discovery is so exciting and stimulating, that we tend to only see our partner in a positive light or through “rose coloured” glasses. Over time, we come to see that “other” side where suddenly, what we once thought was cute perhaps now as annoying. This is where a relationship becomes work. Compromise must into play. While others decide to call it quits and look for love again.

So how do we know when we have found the one we want to “settle down” with? I have asked my married friends this question and while the answers may vary, and only slightly, there is one prevalent consensus: this person is their best friend. They reflect in each other both their strengths as well as their weaknesses. I am going to make a bold statement here and say that your significant other should not be your best friend. To me, this spells disaster in the long run. I know some couples who make their relationship priority one, twenty four hours a day, seven days week. While this type of loyalty is respectable, I don’t think it is the way to sustain a healthy relationship!

While a boyfriend/girlfriend or even husband/wife is one of the closest people we share our innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences with, if we slap them with the additional label of “best friend”, we may find ourselves disappointed and frustrated. We want to believe that our significant other is “our everything” and our “soul mate” but one person cannot ever meet your every need.

I think that in any relationship it is important to keep a buffer zone or some breathing space, so to speak. Sharing life with someone is a guaranteed support system but realize that they are human too. They have bad days, they can’t always read your mind, they don’t always see your side of things (at least not right away), and they will annoy you at times and vice versa. No relationship is perfect. It’s good to maintain some autonomy and find other ways of dealing with your problems rather than just dumping them onto your partner. Stay in touch with your friends. Don’t give up your own personal interests or things that you enjoyed doing before “Mr or Ms. Right” came into your life.

Essentially, a relationship should not be seen as be all solution to life’s happiness, or a crutch. If you cannot be happy with yourself alone, you will rarely be happy with someone else or even know how to keep them happy. A relationship is an experience to grow in life with someone else but don’t make it your sole purpose to find a soul mate.

photo courtesy of bigstockphoto

He is your best friend but then there is your boyfriend. Quite a common conundrum many women face today. The opposite is true as well. For men, it is not uncommon to have a woman for a best friend however, quite often, once there is a girlfriend in the picture; men tend to severe ties with close female relationships. Why? Because girlfriend or not, men tend to have a more difficult time being around a woman without picturing them in a more intimate way.
Women, on the other hand, think they have their hormones in check and can keep the relationship platonic. Some however, take advantage of the fact that their male friend might just be into them and while the woman has no inclination to pursue these feelings, she will give off a sense of false hope in order to sustain the friendship. Can men and women really just be friends? I think this only works if the boundaries are established early on. You can’t lead a guy on, then turn a cold shoulder and not expect him to be puzzled or even pissed off at your behaviour. Men may value your personality, your brains or whatever it is that you got going for you but rest assured, he is also valuing your other “assets”.
Boundaries mean knowing when and where to draw the line, especially if you or he is involved with someone else. Flirting is natural but if you find yourself waking up in your best friend’s bed, you are not only fooling yourself but you are being unfair to your friend and your partner back home. If you have found yourself in this situation, you need to assess your relationship with your partner. What causes you to be so emotionally or intimately attached to your friend? Perhaps you are not with the right person but know that your best friend is always there for you. It can feel pretty comforting to have your cake and eat it too. But if you are not completely heartless, and I doubt you are then try to get your emotions in check and put the two relationships in perspective. Determine which relationship means more to you. What are you willing to lose?
It does not always have to be all or nothing but take into consideration that there are other people’s feelings involved. If you cannot stand to decide between the two, make sure you have your priorities right. Depending on how committed your relationship is to your beloved, as their partner, you owe them your outmost attention and support. Friends should not be secondary but if you are ditching your partner frequently to be by your best friend’s side at the drop off a hat, then pay attention to who you are more emotionally invested in. This is always a shady area and can cause a lot of arguments between partners. As long as you know where your heart is at and where your head is at, you can avoid disaster.

It used to be that coming of age and being successful meant being happily married, with 2.5 kids, a dog and a home with a white picket fence. I wouldn’t say this ideal doesn’t exist today, if anything I would state that it is a gross exaggeration of the aforementioned. This in turn, stems from the need to fit the ideal. It used to be that if a woman was not married by 30, there was something wrong with her and she was already labeled an “old maid”. There is no doubt that women today are waiting longer than ever to settle down. Their biological clocks have not changed but with advances in medicine, there are more options for women to plan pregnancy later on in life. Women seem to be enjoying single life, dating multiple partners, advancing their careers, traveling and investing in themselves. They are allowing themselves more time to figure “things out”. When they are ready to settle down, they have a good idea of what they want in a partnership as well as in life.

On the other hand, there is a mass bombardment of the “big day” and all of the craziness (not to mention expenses!) that come with it. Men still seem to be a few steps behind their brides when it comes to walking down the aisle although more men are becoming more involved in the planning process. It appears that men are still more apt to date several women before finding wife material. However, men are more likely to get more satisfaction out of being in a marriage. This is primarily due to the fact that even though women have moved forward in the corporate world, in the domestic world, women usually have a lot more on their plates than their counterpart. Fortunately, men are actively participating more when it comes to running the household. This leads to a more effective and satisfying marriage for a couple.

Times have certainly changed. Gone are the days when a husband’s income was enough to sustain the entire family and the wife was able to stay home, look after the kids, keep the house immaculate and cook all the meals. There is some backlash to our progressive thinking. Women may have more choices and life satisfaction but house holds are definitely more of mission to run smoothly. Children do not get as much attention as they used to and spend more time entertaining themselves by playing video games and watching too much television. They are eating out more-which indicates the growing amount of children that are obese. They are turning to celebrities as role models. Girls are becoming anorexic, having plastic surgery and developing low self-esteem at a younger age.

It is the price paid for more choice, fluctuations in the economy and changes in family dynamic. Forget the white picket fence image that I painted earlier. Today, families come in every shape, size and form. There may be less pressure to fit one type of ideal as the pressure has shifted elsewhere-to support the family financially. It is always beneficial to follow the path that best fits where you are at in life before jumping in with both feet. Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured to compete with your peers. Better to ask yourself how much you really want something before committing to it.

Are you the kind of person that makes plans and actually sticks to them or do you bail out at the last minute? It seems as though our avoidance in committing to anything has transcended into several areas of our lives. Why is commitment such a phobia nowadays? It seems we prefer to pencil things in and reply with a “maybe” rather than a definitive “yes” or “no” answer.

Perhaps in a world where so much choice is available to us, we have adopted a mentality where we like to keep our options open- be it with people we date, plans we make, places we work, things we buy, and so on. We are constantly updating and upgrading ourselves. Perhaps the emergence of sites like Facebook and Twitter are part of the root cause for this behaviour. Living for the “present” is a reasonable approach to have for life but why not just “be” in the present instead of sharing it with the world on a minute by minute basis? Sharing certain experiences and opinions is fine but do we all really need to know what you had for breakfast? (upload image via phone here and you know what I mean)

Commitment issues are pretty much expected. I am not going to say I have never backed out of plans in my lifetime but I happen to like plans and I happen to like definitive answers. I respect people who are not afraid to say “no” to me rather than be agreeable and then make excuses or apologies as I am about to head out the door. I think it all comes down to courtesy here and everyone deserves at least that much. If I am ever tempted to cancel plans I think about that principle. If I absolutely must back out, I notify the person with as much notice as possible and try to reschedule if possible. Think about your place of work-I do not know of many companies that would tolerate a report not being handed in on time or not attending a meeting just because you didn’t feel like going. If you can be that courteous to your boss there should not be any reason why you would not extend that courtesy to your friends.

Hold yourself accountable as a person. If you make a goal, stick with it. If you make plans, show up. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Otherwise, everything else is just half-ass and that translates to how you regard others in a half-ass manner. Now who wants that?

Ah, Valentine’s Day.  I am a romantic at heart but I am not one for buying into commercialism. I was going to write about romantic date ideas but I didn’t want to sound cliché by suggesting you cook a romantic dinner, sprinkle the bedroom floor with rose petals and blow your pay cheque on some uber sexy lingerie. These ideas are all romantic but they are also TYPICAL. Why have a card company dictate how you spend this special day? If you really want to impress your special someone, pause for a minute or two, and really think about what would make this person feel appreciated, what turns them on and how you can express your own feelings for them. This is your chance to have some fun and be creative. Everyone has a soft spot in their heart. Maybe a dinner would do wonders- if you partner is a foodie. Maybe you’re with someone who has an artistic streak or loves sports and adventure. The best way to bring out someone’s passionate side is to have them be involved in something they are passionate about!

Don’t have anyone to share Valentine’s Day with? The worst thing to do is stay at home and whine about being single, then stuffing yourself with a gallon of ice cream. Round up your single friends, dress to the nines and make it a night on the town. Staying at home is not the end of the world either. Why not pamper yourself with a candlelit bubble bath, then prepare your favourite gourmet meal and rent a DVD? Or treat yourself to a day at the spa, or head to the gym for a fitness or yoga class. You never know where you might meet someone special. Look forward to treating yourself and your quality time alone, by choice of course.

Ladies, when it comes to buying something for your boyfriend, you don’t know where to start sometimes!  When it comes to men, choose gifts that suit his temperament and nature. Rather than looking for generic gift items, find something suitable to his interests and hobbies. If you are still confused about what to get, the gift ideas listed below will come in handy, as it will give you some ideas of what he may enjoy.

• Guys are generally into some type of sport or fitness routine. How about accentuating his wardrobe with a stylish gear or equipment? Tickets to a sporting event work well too.
• What is one thing that a man never parts with? His wallet, of course!! Get an elegant leather wallet for your boyfriend.
• Depending on whether you like him in formal attire or casual one, suit him up. Make sure you buy clothes, which he will feel comfortable wearing and reflect his personality.
• How about a gift basket filled with men’s toiletries?  Women are not the only ones entitled to pamper themselves. Gift certificates to a men’s spa can serve as a gift alternative.
• Jewellery is also not limited to women. Get him a nice watch, ring or even a chain.
• Men are usually gadget freaks. You can go for an electronic notebook, mp3 player, GPS system or cell phone.
• If you want to give him something practical, stock him up on some essentials. A guy is always in need of socks, underwear and undershirts.
• If your boyfriend loves to read, get him a book or a year’s subscription of his favourite magazine.
• Fragrance qualifies as top gift option. Men are also particular about smell, so before buying the perfume, make sure you know his taste.
• Among the other generic gift ideas you can try out: an elegant pen, music CD’s, movie DVD’s and video games

As if Christmas shopping wasn’t bad enough to try and pick gifts for your friends and family, it becomes more of challenge if you have a girlfriend to buy for. Guys know that not only do the gifts you buy show how well you know her, your lovely is also looking at them from a “how much he loves me” angle. I hate to say that there are women that have this type mentality but they are out there. So to help you poor fellows out, with a little research, you can buy your girlfriend the Christmas gifts she will appreciate. No two women are alike so don’t think that what you bought your ex will work this time around. If you are really stuck, here are some fool proof gifts you cannot go wrong with.

Spa Therapy Treatment

One of the things that many women complain about is how their feet are killing them- stupid high heels! That’s why the luxury of a pedicure will delight and pamper her all at the same time. This is a great Christmas gift idea and they usually sell in the $25-$50 range.  If the foot spa isn’t luxurious enough for the special girl in your life, then there are many ways to pamper her. There are various massage and facial treatments to choose from and the effects last for weeks.

A Novel

If your girlfriend reads a lot of books, this Christmas gift idea lets her feel appreciated that you noticed her interests. If you’re having trouble finding that specific novel, then get her a gift card for a book store instead.

A Designer Fragrance

We all know how important the right perfume is for women, and more likely than not, you may have bought her the wrong scent before. Perfumes can be tricky since not all scents smell the same way on a person. Try to find scents that compliment her personality, ask a sales associate for help or just pick scents that appeal to you and tell her how much you will enjoy smelling it on her body.

Lingerie

One of the simplest and most romantic gift ideas a guy can buy his girlfriend is lingerie – after all, it’s something she wears, so you should have an idea of what she already likes. Just make sure you get the right size though, especially if you want to see her in whatever you buy!

Gift Baskets

All women love products that will beautify them. Moisturizers, lotions, bubble bath, lip gloss, and so on. Help her stock up on her favourite products.

Next Week: Gift Ideas for Him