Confidently Single

I hear many people complain about the people they meet through on-line dating. That is probably because you are connecting with the wrong types of people. I think this particularly applies to men who feel it is quite the challenge to spark some interest in women among the competition.

Let’s look at a typical dating website. As you scroll through the profiles, a gorgeous woman who catches your eye.  What do you do?  I can tell you what about 99% of guys will do; they will send them one of these typical messages:

“Hey!  How’s it going!  You look really exciting and I was just seeing if you would like to talk sometime!”

Or

“Wow, you’re beautiful.  I bet you get tons of messages from all the guys but with any luck this e-mail will get through to you because I would really like to take you out sometime!”

Or

“I’m the friendliest guy you will ever meet if you give me the chance!  Message me back!”

Believe it or not but the success rate of some of these common approaches are lower than 1%. That is, only if you have a really interesting profile to begin with. So how do you get a woman interested? You need to perfect your profile before you start doing anything else. Sounds like work but it’s not. You have to cater your profile to what appeals to a woman. Unlike men, women DO read your profile. They want to see what you’re about, what your passions are and what you are looking for as well. You want to get the right pictures and the right information in your profile.

Another tip: an attractive girl will not message you back if you do not have a picture and only post the most standard responses in your profile sections. Don’t get discouraged here guys. Women like photos because 1. They want to see if they find you attractive and 2. They want a face to the name that has messaged them. A woman will always delete a message that does not contain a photo. She will wonder what the guy is hiding.

Quick Profile Tips:

What kind of pictures do you need to have listed in your profile?  Typically speaking, you need display pictures that express worth. I am not talking about your material worth here either. You may want to ease up on the party photos; beer in one hand, and a woman in the other. If you have a great physique, kudos to you but there is also no need to do a photo spread of your six-pack abs. Women like photos of you in your natural element- be it the sports you are into, places you have traveled, hobbies you enjoy and even the pet you adore; as long as you don’t make it look like a profile about your dog Sparky and not you!

The second thing you need to do is READ HER PROFILE.  Too many guys fall short to personalize their first message, which is critical, since an attractive girl may get as many as fifty messages a day.  You need something that catches her interest and the easiest way to do this is to personalize your message. Don’t just tell her how beautiful she is. This only indicates one thing-you want to get into her pants. Many women that resort to on-line dating because they have had their share of heartbreak or have dated schmucks in the past. Guaranteed, she is not looking to experience that all over again. Some women pour their hearts out in their profile-be weary of this too! If she sounds like she has a huge chip on her shoulder, she probably isn’t ready to date. Try to find some common ground through her profile and mention it in your initial message to her. She will already be impressed that you took the time to read it.

Finally, the thing most guys need to avoid is writing way too much. Keep your message brief.  Again, you want to appear like a non-creepy and non-needy guy.  Women do not want to read a novel from you, especially since you hardly know her and already you’re willing to devote so much time for her. Women are allured to a man of mystery. Say enough to get her attention but save enough so that she will want to hear more and yes, that results in getting her to meet with you.

Generally speaking, women are hard-wired the same way but the trick to remember is: no two women are alike. What worked with one woman, may not work with another. That is why it is important to take the time to make a women feel special and unique when pursuing her.  Be confident but not cocky. Be charming but have an edge. Be yourself but leave some mystery. Be sincere but have some fun. This will keep her coming back for more.

Perhaps you are in a new relationship or you are in a relationship that spans several years. Whatever length of time you have been devoted to your significant other, there are going to be times where you feel that life gets in the way and pulls you apart. There are a lot of couples out there that are more devoted to their job than their loved one and this shift can be a recipe for disaster. I have talked to people who have stayed in a married relationship for 10 years, 30, years and 50 years. The secret to staying happily married: growing as individuals together. We all know the basic dynamics of a good relationship: communication, honesty, loyalty, understanding, patience, compassion, and so forth.  What really stood out for me in these relationships was the same thing: these couples led individual lives and never treated their significant other as a “possession”.  However, they also spent a great deal of time doing things together. Whether it was something as simple as cooking dinner together or going for a walk or taking a vacation together or learning a new skill, these couples were able to strengthen their bond though common experiences.  You and your significant other both wear many hats in the relationship but you should be each other’s best friend above anything else. Make the effort to experience new things together and the relationship will never get boring. That is why it is important to have common interests. So for all of you on-line daters out there, make an effort to read someone’s profile rather than just check on their physical attributes!  When you go on a date, make an effort to get to know the person. Don’t ask about what they do for a living, ask about what makes them feel like they are living. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Don’t let a new chill in the air dampen your date! Fall is the best time for several date activities.

Cooler temperatures can inspire some great date ideas. So grab your sweetie, a cup of hot chocolate, and consider these activities.

A Trip to the Pumpkin Farm

• No, you don’t have to be a kid to enjoy a pumpkin farm. In fact, the nostalgia involved in choosing a pumpkin can help bond you both together as you recall memories of field trips from the past.

Hayride

• Many area farms and fresh produce stands offer hayrides in the cooler months. Snuggle up with your date as you take in nature.

Haunted House

• There’s nothing that sparks romance like holding on to your date as you wander through the spooky halls. Who ever thought fear could inspire romance?

A Drive in the Country

• We are lucky enough to live in an area that has a change of seasons that allows us to take in the splendour of the red, gold, and russet leaves. Map out a day trip to the nearest town where you’ll spot the changing trees. The beauty of nature will inspire you to get cozy and romantic.

Harvest Fests and Craft Fairs

• Autumn often brings festivals featuring homemade goods, fresh produce, and the best in craft projects. Fairs lend to a fun and relaxed atmosphere – the perfect surroundings to get to know someone better.

Horseback Riding

• If you’re both into a change of venue, maybe a horseback ride through the country will give you a lift. Many stables and farms have horseback riding lessons, so even if you’re not a pro you both can enjoy a day out in the country.

Visit an Apple Orchard

• Take a drive to the nearest apple orchard and pick out some apples to make a pie with. Baking together on a date is a great way to spend time and get to know each other.

Flea Markets

• Many antique, toy, and book dealers like to get rid of their inventory before the winter months. Head out to a flea market – get there early – and search for a unique treasure. Finding out what you both are passionate about is a great way to find out if you’re compatible as well.

Farmer’s Markets

• There’s much more than just veggies at farmer’s markets these days. Pick up some fruit, flowers, or even books. Better yet, take a camera and scrapbook the picturesque scenes of still life.

Nature Hike

• Sometimes the best dates are the simplest. Put your hiking boots or best sports shoes on and take a hike through a leaf-filled trail. Work up your appetite for a nice lunch when you’re finished.

Wine Tasting and Vineyards

• There’s something very romantic about the time tested traditional of making wine. Visit a winery or better yet, a local vineyard and learn about the process. Then buy a bottle or two for dinner later.

The world of dating contains layers of complexity, misunderstanding, and competition. It has exploded onto the commercial scene and has become a multibillion dollar industry. Both males and females are on the hunt for their counterpart. It all comes down to survival of the fittest in the dating world, whether we like to admit to it or not.  Is it all in our mind or are we programmed genetically to our natural urges? Why do we date? What are we looking for?

To answer these questions my friend and I discussed how the world of dating operates and put our theories to the test. What better environment to find the answers to these questions then through online dating?

 (The Male Perspective)

I question if we really want what we are asking for? When online, I read profile after profile and I was able to extract one phrase that most women use and abuse. “I want a ‘nice’ guy”.  This is too vague of a demand because what exactly, entails “nice”? On a superficial level, “nice” is defined by looks and wealth. What happened to looking for someone with character? The law of attraction takes precedence since biologically; we are drawn to physical attraction.  For example, on dating sites, a potential person may have an appealing personality but if they do not provide a picture in their profile, the chances of them getting responses is zero to none. Why won’t women initiate contact? Women are just as superficial as men. For women, a feeling of security is provided by their partner’s financial status. I find there is one twist to this theory, and that encompasses women in a different age bracket (see older). They have either had their fair share of relationships or their biological clock is ticking so their standards tend to be lower than the younger women. An older woman’s options are limited in terms of the dating pool, so they may tend to settle on someone who shows enough interest to care for them and has financial means.

Through the constraints of materialism and the influence of corporations we have no choice but to compete with what is considered to be attractive to the mass appeal. Looks seem to be everything in the initial stages of courtship and that is what dating is all about. Rather than complaining about one another, why not be honest from the get-go? Women, if you want a guy that’s loaded and/or good looking, do us all favour and say so. No more, “I just want a nice guy”.

 (The Female Perspective)

After hearing my friend’s conclusions, I found myself disagreeing that women only go for looks and status. I had to test this theory. I conducted some research and found an interesting study that was done in Germany. The study was based on a dating site. A group of women were showed a series of male profiles that included a photo. The women were asked to rate the potential male’s level of attractiveness on a scale of 1-10. Another group of women were shown the same profiles, except this time, the male’s salary was listed in their description as well. The results were amazing!  For example, an attractive-looking man from the first study that scored a 7 received a much lower score in the second study because his annual income was listed as $26,000, and his occupation was a retail clerk. On the other hand, an average-looking male who scored a low 4 in the first study, got an (average) high score of 9 because his salary was listed as $264,000, occupation, lawyer. What does this say about women?  Are we really all just gold diggers? I think women want looks as much as they seek financial security. They want a partner that can provide for them and their family. I think this is a result of evolutionary patterns.  Maybe on a superficial level, this is what women strive for but I’d like to think personality holds its place as well.

My on-line experience included reading profiles that read like novels. I must admit that there are a handful of men who really know how to sell themselves in tune with women’s needs! I found the men to want to portray a softer and sensitive side that included walks on the beach. There was also a category of men that sold themselves as well but this was on a entirely differently level that it made me feel like a voyeur at Chip n’ Dales. Men were direct in their approach and some played it safe by “getting to know me” but it was only a matter of time before picture inquiries were made and more provoking questions were asked. The majority of profiles indicated finding a woman that was goal oriented, fun, down to earth,  and intelligent to name a few. Do men really care about the personality from the get go? I did my own experiment. I posted my profile with just my description. I got some responses but nothing of the magnitude to when I did attach some photos to my profile. The numbers quadrupled. No surprise there. I have already touched on this topic in past articles and men, without a doubt are visual creatures. This is where competition comes into play. Women tease and please and strive to be creatures of beauty to captivate the testosterone driven male.

We may have evolved in distinguishing our differences but do we have a thorough enough understanding of our needs? Do we want what we have and have what we want? We are reflections of our evolution and products of our environment. Males and females are responsible for the standards that have been imposed. To break from the mould is like an animal straying from its herd. As individuals, we are deemed weak and cannot uphold the status quo. The world is competitive only because we have made it so. Absolutely, there are genetic traits we cannot over power but as a species; we are intelligent enough to make choices. Dating is about choices. How you attract a partner is your choice.  It is your choice to endorse an image or to be your true authentic self.

As nice as it is to eat out in restaurant, why not visit Debbie Diament at “My Place For Dinner” and learn how to cook up a storm with your date?  My Place for Dinner offers hands-on cooking classes. Each hands-on cooking class includes a full meal, wine, bottled water, recipe booklet to take home, lot of information and lively conversation. Classes focus on a variety of world cuisines as well as the art of entertaining. My Place For Dinner is a new and exciting venue where through cooking- collaboration, teamwork and interaction are encouraged. It is a great way to sharpen your culinary skills under the watchful eye of Debbie.

Debbie Diament is a menu consultant, author, cooking teacher and recipe developer. She brings years of experience and a lifelong passion to preparing and sharing the foods she loves. As a teacher, she develops a quick rapport with her students, and, with her hands-on approach, helps demystify even the most complex cuisines.  She believes people learn best by doing. Debbie is a member of the International Association of Culinary Professionals, Cuisine Canada and the Women’s Culinary Network of Toronto.

Learning to cook a meal together is a sure fire way for stirring up a recipe to a successful date! You will learn how to create a dish together all while having a lot of fun and then having the opportunity to enjoy the finished product together in an intimate atmosphere.

My Place For Dinner has two locations at:

1.    Miele’s Designer Showroom (354 Davenport Road Toronto, 2nd Floor)

2. Miele’s New Showroom (161 Four Valley Drive at Highway 400 and Vaughan Mills)

To register for a My Place For Dinner cooking class, please call 416- 465 -7112  

email: debbie@myplacefordinner.com or visit: http://www.myplacefordinner.com/

Bon Appétit!

!

In response to my colleague Brody McVittie’s  article, “Just Be Yourself… Even If ‘Yourself’ is a Bit of an Asshole” (featured in www.loveintoronto.com , April 11^th, 2009), I think a little of bit of female insight is needed to shine a light on this ridiculous approach.

The only reason women love the “bad boy” is because they feel they can somehow rescue him and then mould him into something more manageable. Bad boys are fun but they are never going to be long term potential, unless your metamorphosis of them succeeds. If you can accept that they are just going to be asshole you cannot and will not tame, then all the ways they start to piss you off won’t be much of an issue. Most women, won’t tolerate being mistreated for very long.

 Now, I am not one for the soft, overly sensitive, metro sexual guy.  To me, a man should be, “manly” but nowhere in manly lays the word “asshole”. There is a difference in being confident and being a jerk. That much is evident. I too, have dated an asshole. At first, his cool, aloof, no BS demeanour gave him an air of mystery which can be undeniably attractive. Yet, after a few situations of “misdemeanour” I was no longer very impressed. Let’s just say, the novelty wore off. Women, you all say you want a “nice” guy but you end up with the jerks. Clearly, something is wrong with this equation because the nice guys, really are just nice and don’t necessarily know how to be an asshole. It is always much easier to say what we don’t want rather than what do want because most of the time, we just don’t really know what we want at all. Through dating, we endure the process of elimination where hopefully, we figure this equation out. If a guy really is just an asshole, don’t expect anything more of him. If you want to play fire with fire, than release the inner bitch to give him a taste of his own medicine. Since vengeance can get messy, it may be better to drop him like a bad habit.  Secondly, ask yourself why you are attracted to this type of guy? Chances are you will end up date another asshole. Let’s break this vicious cycle already.   

As for “Timmy” and “Billy”, Billy may be seem appealing now but ladies, think about all of those Timmy’s out there (not the coffee!) and maybe consider giving them a chance.

In a world full of contradictions, women often lose sight of what is the right way or the wrong way of doing things like sleeping with someone on the first date or deciding over who should call after a date. There is no right way or wrong way. There are no rules when it comes to dating, only common sense, which tends to walk out the door when we fall head over heels for someone new!

Why not just go with what feels right? Then you don’t have to ask about the “what-ifs?” Sure, the rules that are around are based on common knowledge which reflects the genetic makeup of the male and female species. These are theories that are based on the experiences of people on a larger scale but that doesn’t mean that they are always right.

Women especially, get confused when it comes to the initial stages of a new relationship. If we look at the primitive makeup of a male: man see, man like, man conquer. Men are visual creatures. Men like to compete for your attention. Men like sex, frequently.  Men like their freedom.

Fortunately, man has also come a long way since the primitive age, and while his genetic urges may remain unchanged, the intellect has developed. Most men do want a woman with intelligence, independence, a sense of humour, spontaneity, manners and personality, to name a few. When both the physical and emotional needs are met, they will definitely want to pursue you. How you let them do this, is entirely up to you. If there is one thing I have learned, make him work for it. Don’t dodge his every attempt but make it an effort to show that you are worth it.

Men are just as confused when it comes to dating the female species, so there is no need to complicate the process.  Somewhere in between the gray areas of differences, is a middle ground. This is where both your needs are fulfilled and the potential to grow together is possible.

When it comes to the dating scene, no one is looking to play mind games but what would dating be if we didn’t want to follow the steps of its dance? The dance resembles that of a sultry, Argentinean Tango that showcases the story of seduction. One leads, the other follows, and with the twist of a tease, the roles are reversed. Submissive yet dominant. Suggestive yet direct.

When dating someone new, you decide the name of the game. I hear some you saying “mind games are waste of time”. You also may not realize when you choose to play them. It should be noted that if the game entails dishonesty, unfairness, and carelessness, you are playing to a different set of rules and should be wary of what your true motives are.

As the modern generation, we pride ourselves for being go-getters and communicating every single thought that comes across our mind. The art of seduction holds little bearing when we just want to cut to the chase. Why the rush? Take the steps.  Follow, linger, suggest, and then show. Actions speak louder than words after all. Why not let your body do the talking for a change?

Try to see what steps your date is following and let the dance take its course. Don’t be afraid to give a sense of mystery to you without shutting down the lines of communication. When you tell your date about yourself, leave some of the details out and finish off with a coy smile instead. There is nothing sexier than leaving your date wanting more. Be romantic, be mysterious, be seductive, and be flirtatious. See the sparks fly as the chemistry sizzles. Dance to the tune of your song.